i lost another bet

not surpising. starting another year off with something/one that does not belong to me. I wish i could type quicker and think better and love purely and remember how things were. I wish i could be a little bit more honest with myself and with you, and I wish i could answer your question by screaming that it is right heeeerrrreeee. tomomorrow will blend into today and i will remember the red and the yellow and the things that you said and what I could not deny to be true. I wish i hadnt opened the window and let go and asked for tea and wished for things to be better than they are. I wish I could hang on. Instead of resolutions I have ifs, the mode of being, the reason for fights and late nights and getting home at five in the morning and wishing I had said yes. and wishing i had danced, and wishing i had known how to be less lonely, and wishing i could have held onto this moment for ever and ever and ever and ever. and hoping you got home safe. and turning off the lights a little bit earlier than i planned. and keeping promises. and not wanting to ever go back. and wishing that i had said things differently. and wanting this everthing to go away. it is a new year, but it is the same person it has always been, and that makes me just a little bit broken.