the only thing i can’t resist is temptation

when does a mistake stop being a mistake? people say that you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, not repeat them again, and grow. Mistakes are ok precisely because they are instances of poor judgement. but what happens if you don’t learn from your mistakes, and you keep on making them over and over and over? What if a mistake is just an extension of you that reveals itself periodically? To me, that’s really scary. And here’s why: I have been making the same mistake over and over for over a year. And each time I tell myself that I will learn and be better. Better. But I’m beginning to think that perhaps this is a part of me, and maybe it has been for a lot longer than I would care to admit. So this is just me manifesting myself – not a mistake, but an unfavorable quality. And so then I wonder whether I can change? Whether people do have the ability to change and reconfigure parts of themselves and reprogram different things? Like a computer application with bugs. Bugs are usually discovered by just using the program, and then they are fixable. So is it then possible to fix a bug that is a part of your fabric? And then are psychiatrists analogous to programmers and developers who debug programs?

I have touched on the topic of mistakes before with a friend. I think he gets this sentiment – this constant crime and punishment, punishment, resentment, this feeling of being disabled in ways. And I’m scared that if I let this feeling linger it will also become a part of me. This sadness will always remain, no matter where I am. I am scared of being unable to change. I used to have a lot of faith in the power of context and location and mindscape. And now that all those things are staring at me, mocking me, I’m afraid that I had it wrong the whole time.

When she told me that I have it so together for someone my age, I believed her. I believed her and I ran with it and it was beautiful.