of bending time and coming to ends

so apparently this is it. the end of exams and statuses full of “i’m done!!!” and no more assignments and apparently more time. it’s the first time in a long time that I will get more than 6 hours of sleep, even though tomorrow is not destined for sleeping in. I’m thinking about a few things, just before bed. about China. about time. about possibility and people and friendships and about how i shouldn’t be skeptical. and yet I am. I am increasingly conflicted about how I feel, and everything is grayer and grayer and grayer. I am also realizing how much of a disconnect there is between what is said and what is done. I’m starting to think that it’s not even intentional, though. A lot of the time, we honestly believe (want to believe?) that words will at one point approximate actions. but increasingly, all I see are proclamations. proclamations that encourage validation and pats of the back and words of encouragement. But when you look more closely (the particles, remember?), it’s hollowness that defines almost everything.

this video is making me want to compress time. compress seven days into four minutes. so that I could somehow end up on a patio in Montreal, speaking French and eating ice cream with Amanda. so that I could be in Ottawa, with Salima, with endless cups of tea and books and streets I don’t know. so that I could be in Halifax, with Aaron, listening to music, shoe-shopping, and making car trips more defined by closeness than by distance. so that I could be in New York, alone, and getting constantly lost, and spending time forgetting what it’s like to feel sad.

find me in the world