the better side of bliss

I can feel it in myself
when the life-changing current
stops by to take things away.
Shifting situations that aspired to be more.
And as the best of them ignore
the better sides of bliss
they begin to mistake
where the dates
get mixed up
and the hideous faces
keep beautiful smiles
and we all know
where the next steps might take us,
or break us
into slapped faces that are just waiting to cry.
We’re now people who scream
and seem
so very different
while compared to what we could’ve done,
or just might’ve done differently.
Aching from the advice of fools
who’s tools have so little meaning
other than the want to hang on
and feel something real.

(-written by Sean O’Gorman)

finding new ways to self-destruct

The ability to choose words carefully, to feel their weight press against the bottom of one’s tongue before they are said, to understand how one element flows from the other, to appreciate how a string of sentences can form ideas. I have always loved this quality in others, and in myself when I am at my best. But lately, a disappointment, as moments come back to me during which I have betrayed and devalued language. Used it as an automatic weapon, as fast food, as a mass-produced Ikea bedside table. I have given it so little and have demanded so much in return. I asked it to convey detachment and cool while it has instead (because language is a much more well-designed tool than my own being) revealed insecurity and loneliness. It feels hollow now.

I remember sitting in a Beijing bar with Marina, and something she said and the way she said it…  stayed. The simplicity of those six words floated up into some tube that connects my brain and my heart. And they haven’t left me since, those words. And then, Dostoyevsky, recently quoted by a friend:

lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others

And those lies – what happens when they mix with elements of the outside world? What happens when they mix with C₂H₅OH? In my experience, the lies somehow seep into your soul and disguise themselves as truth so that you’re actions become latent with the assumptions of their validity. It’s only when you wake up and find yourself with a headache and smeared make-up that you’re confronted with the ugliness of reality and with the weight of the previous night. The parts you can remember, that is.

the upside of knowing the answer is not having to wonder anymore

the year you spent being a part of me

It’s almost a new year and I’m feeling nostalgic. This year somehow feels more whole than others. I’m remembering all the moments and people who made it so. Physically, I spent half of 2009 away from Vancouver. Mentally, I was absent from this city a lot more frequently than that; writing this hit that point home for me.

I’m thinking about Russia and Indonesia and classes taken in my last term as an undergraduate student. I’m weighing the bad decisions I made against the good ones. I’m thankful to Anna for having the patience to deal with it all and for sitting with me at warungs and just taking it all in. For showing my, like nobody else could, the beauty of the Philippines (we made [one of] our dream[s] come true!). I’m thankful to the ocean, which has taught me more about myself than anything or anyone else this past year. I am mourning the deaths of Raoul and Ian, both of whom impacted me in ways that they would have never suspected. I am thinking about the marriage of two friends who have found happiness in a way that seems to distant from my own but who are so inspiring in their journey. Sveta – it felt like we had never been apart; I love you so much. I am pleasantly surprised by the lasting impact of Glen Coulthard on my thinking, even though I can’t find an adequate way to articulate it. I am even more in awe of the beauty and compassion that embodies Salima, who fills the world with immeasurable quantities of love every single day of her existence. I’m so thankful to Anton, who has humbled me and made me reconsider freedom and obligation and what it means to be good. To CouchSurfing, for showing me a beautiful side of humanity. Ben for showing me that there are still things in life worth fighting for. To Tom, my friend and guru, who spent countless hours pouring over textbooks and then stayed around so that we could just talk about life and opportunity and everything in between. Who showed me the sun setting in the east. Zach, I missed you. Also to Jessica, who went on beautiful adventures with me and stayed brilliant throughout all the setbacks (and who watched the cloud make shapes on the roof of Skygarden with me!). To the Kuta Beach Boys for sharing their beautiful world with me (I’ll never forget the last day). Paul and Brendan for all the times that you teased me about surfing and then still encouraged me to go out there and paddle, paddle, paddle. For the time spent with my grandparents, who taught me about patience and age while we planted carrots and beets and dill. To Terna for being so awesomely self-deprecating and funny and smart; I loved having you around (one day, a road trip).  And also, to Owen; I could cover the miles that separate us with words of what you mean to me.  To everyone who I haven’t mentioned as well. You’re here. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you help make up who I am.

there’s an app for that too!

Today, I was reading this piece about the CauseWorld app that’s being launched by a company called Shopkick. The basic premise is that every time you go into a certain store and “check in”, you collect “karma points” that will eventually be donated to a charity of your choice by participating businesses. TechCrunch hails this as a brilliant business plan and as a wonderful incentive for corporations to donate to charity, and judging from the comments, a lot of people are equally impressed. I wonder, though, whether there is something a little sinister about this brilliant new business model. I’ll have to wait and see more about how the app works, but for now it seems like it’s a very smart way to steer consumer spending habits into a particular direction. I can see how this is incredibly lucrative for a company like Kraft that produces mass quantities of highly processed, inexpensive food. But it will come as no surprise if the retailers Kraft pairs with will mostly end up being big superstores that carry a wide variety of their products. I don’t know what the overall effect on small, independent grocery stores will be. And then there are farmers’ markets and smaller companies that may not have the ability to form partnerships with Shopkick the way big businesses can.  Even though the smaller guys may not be donating as much to charity, there is a (higher?) chance that their overall business practices are more sustainable, and thus buying their products may actually make more of a difference than charity donations can. Charity is good and necessary, but it’s also a middle man whose success lies partly with the growth of companies that are in no way pressured to change traditional behaviors.

One other thing that irks me about this new app is how checking into a store earns one ‘karma points’. It comes down to the basic idea that consumers can feel good about themselves without actually changing any of their habits or decreasing consumption. The idea of karma has been co-opted by big business ((Red), anyone?). This isn’t very surprising, given that the resilience of capitalism is due largely to its ability to adapt (co-opting is one of the best ways of adapting!). I suppose I’m just annoyed because I keep seeing the possibilities of doing things differently being eclipsed. I would love to see more businesses working under a co-operative model, where decisions would be made with a little more democracy. I know that companies like Apple or Citi are very unlikely to move towards this, and they’re the ones that are most likely to collaborate with Shopkick. As longs as consumers can pat themselves on the back every once in a while, they don’t actually have to question corporate structures and decisions. To me, actively participating in something like Sourcemap is potentially a lot more constructive.

Or, I don’t know, am I being too harsh on CauseWorld? Is this a way of just dealing with the realities of capitalism in a really creative way? Is this something that those of you with Smart Phones will use? I find the “status update”-y bits a bit cheezy (ex: “Red Helped prevent child abuse”).

Who knows though, I’ve been accused before of being both self-congratulatory and a hypocrite. Maybe I’d be all over this if I had an iPhone (more on this whole phone thing in another post).

dirty flaws

Sometimes it’s good to be out of your comfort zone. Recently, I found myself listening to a twenty-five year old woman talking about how she would one day like to be a nurse at a plastic surgeon’s office because then you are eligible for 80% discounts on the procedures. She said that she would get a breast lift because after she has kids her breasts will no longer look good. “And of course, I’d get lipo done” she threw in. Beyond thinking of what it is that made her buy into what looks ‘good’ and what doesn’t, I got to thinking about why it is that there are so many people who are uncomfortable with the idea of imperfection? It’s as if not measuring up to certain standards (no matter what these are) somehow makes you less than. But what happened to the beauty of the imperfect? What happened to liking messiness and flaws and scars and grit? This is not an attempt to sound noble or self-righteous, although I think that what I’m saying can be perceived as such. I am not immune to the desire to look good and my moments of vanity are probably no different than this girl’s. But I wonder whether there’s a certain amount of analysis that gets lost when we simply frame this issue in terms of ‘looking good’. Just the other day, I asked a friend why it is that many people feel the need to wear make-up; the reply was “well, because they look better with it.” This answer is both logical and valid; I also could have just as easily replaced ‘make-up’ with ‘plastic surgery’. I suppose, though, that the issue can’t just be about ‘looking good’. It’s about the room for imperfection within that. Why is it that it’s so crippling, for many people, to be ‘less than’? I think that perhaps this is more important that analyzing why certain standards are there in the first place (media, fashion models, marketing, etc.).

Funny that just as I was musing about all this, I came across this. And then I dug further and found out about the proposed “Bo-Tax” being framed as a feminist issue. Kate Harding’s excellent commentary is found here. And I was reminded that, a little bit ago, someone amazing started the Self-Love Project.

Reading all this has made me really grateful for the people in my life who thrive on imperfection, who see its uneven nature and smile.  For whom flaws are art. For those whose comfort zones stretch far beyond the set boundaries. I have so much love in my heart for these people that it feels like it’s impossible that all this love is real and circulating within me and somehow being felt miles and miles away from where I am.

late night special

I was once told that every time you cry, a part of your heart dies that can never quite be restored. I always have that in the back of my heart when the tears seem to be right on the edge of pouring, when containing them seems like the hardest thing on earth, when nothing seems to help anymore. And then, the pain gets just a little easier, because it’s as if the tears are all of a sudden worth something. Like they’re more than just biology and moisture and reaction. But that they have a weight and an idea behind them, and that they’re somehow not worth wasting just on anything because what if… tears just bring the hear closer to atrophying?

Tennessee Williams said that the longest distance between two places is time. But what of the longest distance between two people? How can the emptiness you feel be measured when you are side by side? What units can adequately gauge all this?

here is the closest approximation

nostalgia

do you remember when the three of us (back when that still meant something) would walk down streets and sit in coffee shops and ask each other whether love was enough? whether it was enough to make things work? do you remember struggling to find the answer to that question, how it was so difficult to try to be certain? how we came up with caveats and conditions and contemplated the ‘ifs’ and the ‘buts’ of that small question? do you remember how that small question seemed bigger and more important than most things? i do.

proposition

would you float with me now, if I asked you, would you jump in the pool and not even bother to strip? could I strip you down, remove your clothing and we would fall inside the water together?

[audio:http://structuredmoments.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/21SkinnyLove.mp3]

masarap

…means ‘delicious’ in Tagalog, and has become my new favorite word. This post will be kept short and sweet, since today we’re embarking on a journey from Puerto Galera to Boracay (apparently one of the most beautiful beaches in the world). So far, our time in the Philippines has been excellent – waterfalls and warm water and young filipino kids who smile curiously and ayama (crab) and fresh pineapples for dessert and San Miguel beer. Anna and I have decided to make short video-blogs of our trip, so as soon as they’re uploaded the’ll be here. i hope there’s something making you feel alive these days.

myxomop

baby, this one’s for you.

[audio:http://structuredmoments.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/faux_hoax-friends_pocket-mix.mp3]