admitting it is what broke my heart

Posted by anya on November 21st, 2007 filed in Uncategorized

things: “it’s like when you’re here, the loneliness is somehow justified” “so what was it about him, specifically, that made you so sad?” “it was the realization that someone so smart and who seemed to stimulate me so much looked at me and found nothing. that’s what hurts the most” (and perhaps felt that I wasn’t even worth the search) soon, so soon… it will be time to leave. TO BE HONEST, WHAT I FEEL THE MOST IS SCARED. I’m scared that when I go back to Vancouver, my sense of wonder and awe will be eclipsed by the familiar. How do you get that back? How do you force a city to challenge you? Perhaps it’s too easy here in China – I don’t look for challege; it meets me head on in almost every interaction and it slaps me in the face and rewards me at the most unexpected times. So tell me… where to seek challenge? What do you do and feel alive and stimulated? I keep thinking back to the way things felt when I was in Vancouver and all I remember are comfort and being complacent. I am reminded of what Alex wrote a few days ago, about my curiosity. and I’m still shocked that at times it seems that he can figure me out better than I myself can.

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